ADHD and Negative Self-Talk
When your own brain turns against you (and how to talk back)
If you’re neurodivergent, especially if you were diagnosed late, chances are your inner voice has been shaped by years of subtle (and not-so-subtle) criticism from parents, school, from work, from people who didn’t understand you, and eventually… from yourself.
You probably don’t even notice it half the time.
It’s not always a loud voice but can often be more of a drip of disdain towards yourself.
A muttered “idiot” under your breath.
A sarcastic voice in your head when you forget something.
A quiet eye-roll at yourself before you even start something you care about.
It becomes background noise- an unhelpful soundtrack to everything you’re doing.
And it’s exhausting..
Where does it come from?
If you’ve lived with ADHD for any length of time, you’ve probably picked up a lot of unkind messages- directly or indirectly:
“You’re too much.”
“You’re too messy.”
“Why can’t you just do it like everyone else?”
Over time, those voices external to you become internal. They start to sound like you. But they’re not. One of the most helpful things I ever heard was:
Just because it’s your voice doesn’t mean it’s you.
That critic in your head? It’s like a badly trained coach yelling from the sidelines without knowing the full story. It thinks it’s helping, but it’s usually just fuelling shame, avoidance, and burnout.
Are you tuned into your inner critic and the impact it might be having on your self esteem?
5 Ways Negative Self-Talk Shows Up (Especially With ADHD)
Here are some of the classic shapes it takes - see if any sound familiar:
1. The Instant Shame Reflex
“You’re such an idiot.”
“Stupid.”
“What is wrong with you?”
It’s fast. It’s automatic. And it bypasses any sense of context or care.
2. Sarcastic Undermining
“Oh, fantastic move, Charlotte - tripped over your own shoelaces again?”
This one feels like a joke but cuts just as deep. It's the voice that mocks instead of supports.
3. Black-and-White Thinking
“You always do this.”
“That’s it, I’m done.”
“It’s never going to work.”
No nuance. Just extremes. And when you're already wired for emotional intensity, this one hits hard.
4. Futuresplaining
“You’ll never learn.”
“You’ll mess this up too.”
“Why even bother, when you know you won’t finish it?”
It pretends to be predictive, but really it’s just your inner critic posing as a psychic.
5. Existential Spiral
“Why are you like this?”
“What’s the point of you?”
This one doesn’t just judge your actions - it goes for your core.
So what can we do about it?
You can’t just flip a switch and silence it. But you can start to recognise it — and over time, learn to talk back with more nuanced repsonses.
1. Notice It
Start by paying attention. What pops up in your mind when something goes wrong? When you’re tired? When you forget? When you fall behind? Awareness is the first step.
You might think:
“Ah, there’s the ‘I’m always behind’ story again.”
Noticing it means you’re no longer completely in it.
2. Question It
Are you really an idiot? Or were you tired, distracted, stressed, overcommitted, or just human? ADHD makes certain things hard- that’s not failing. That’s just how your brain works.
3. Replace It (Even Neutrally)
If “I’m amazing and perfect!” feels too much (probably), go for something neutral:
“I was distracted. That makes sense.”
“That didn’t go to plan, but I can try something else.”
“This is hard, and I’m still trying.”
One of my favourite swaps?
Replace should with could.
“I should have done more” → “I could try that next time.”
Small change. Big shift.
4. Be a Friend to Yourself
Would you let someone speak to your best friend like that? What about a kid you love? Then why is it okay to speak to yourself that way? You are not a project that needs fixing. You are a person who deserves compassion.
This isn’t about being soft. It’s about being fair.
5. Collect Evidence (Balance the Bias)
ADHD brains tend to forget the good stuff. So your inner critic gets loud because there’s nothing to counter it.
Try keeping an “evidence list” not for achievements, but for moments you showed up:
Times you followed through
Times you adapted
Times you tried again
Times you asked for help
Times you showed up even when it was hard
It’s not bragging. It’s balance. Log your wins, no matter how small- it’s important for building a new self personal narrative. Have you tried the weekly wins form? https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSff_3vIW3OdaKxqQnsfRkvswg9o1z0JRbD7Lt67BouNV1lynQ/viewform?usp=sharing&ouid=103048862669073515079
What this looked like for me recently:
I nearly let a tech malfunction before a gig derail me into a spiral of self recrimination recently- I recognised the “you always do this” and “if only you’d prepared better” and “you’ll never cope…” etc. classics popping up. I had a moment of despair and then I took a breath and realised these were surmountable problems. I managed to write down all the things I was feeling, meaning I was able to recognise the feelings and then park them and not let them pull me into rumination which would have been incredibly unhelpful given what I needed to do.
It’s important to recognise the feelings then move on to what you can do about the situation- I’m disappointed right now but I don’t always do this, I coped last time something like this happened, I’m resourceful and will find a solution.”
On the days it’s loudest...
Sometimes, the critic gets louder not because you’re failing but because you’re growing.
Change feels unsafe to that part of your brain. It panics. It gets mean- but that doesn’t mean you’re on the wrong path- it just means you’re in unfamiliar territory. That’s a good reason to pause, breathe, and talk to yourself like someone worth supporting.
Because you are.
Final Thought:
Self-Talk is Self-Care
The way we speak to ourselves has power. If you talked to a friend the way your inner critic talks to you- how would they feel? Probably awful. So how about we stop doing that to ourselves?
Try asking:
How am I talking to myself today?
What would kindness look like right now?
What would I say to a friend in this situation?
Being compassionate doesn’t mean sugarcoating, it could just mean aiming for not actively making yourself feel worse.
Over to You
What’s one thing your inner voice said this week that you’d never say to a friend? Call that sucker out!
And what would you say to that friend instead?
Write it down. Say it out loud. Stick it on your wall.
You're allowed to be on your own side.
You might be the first person who ever was.