I Thought I Was Tired (Turns Out My Brain Was Bored)
I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and before that it never crossed my mind that ADHD traits might apply to me.
For any non-believers out there, this doesn’t mean I only thought I had a problem once my diagnosis told me so. I lived my entire life feeling out of time and place and as if I was doing everything wrong. I took myself out of school as a small child because the whole thing was hard for me though I couldn’t have told you why, exactly. Those experiences have nothing to do with smart phones and scrolling (or how some people think we all have ADHD these days). Diagnoses can be helpful for naming something that was always there but shifts the focus from a self-blaming “it’s a me problem” to a more compassionate stance of shared understanding.
Many late diagnosed ADHDers have an internalised sense of shame about the way we are and big missing pieces in our self esteem- unpicking where the edges are and rebuilding our view of ourselves as people with value can be part of the internal journey.
Back to me (of course, ADHD!)- pre diagnosis, I thought of myself as low energy and slow. Definitely not the racing car without brakes stereotype. I actually super related to sloths (still do!).
To sleep or not to …zzzzzz...
For years I thought I had narcolepsy. I fell asleep during the day, even during important things. What I didn’t understand at the time was that ADHD can involve a constant internal restlessness which is exhausting. A tired and wired feeling of being exhausted and overstimulated at the same time.
I could sleep, but my brain never really rested, I’d wake up to my brain chatting away as if we were in mid conversation. It was always churning things at me- thoughts, memories, lists, music, self-criticism. I had completed a lot of therapy and knew I wasn’t mentally unwell. I just felt trapped in a cycle of needing to rest and then being unable to properly relax. I felt chronically stimulated by my own brain and caught in a trap of knowing there was so much to do; being unable to do it; needing to rest… and then not being able to properly relax because of the constant reminders of everything I hadn’t done. (And repeat, forever).
Before my diagnosis, I never thought I struggled with my attention span or boredom. I just thought I was probably tired, lazy and “bad at life”…but understanding ADHD changed that. I knew wasn’t tired in the way I believed- I realised my brain was often understimulated and regularly shutting down to preserve energy (clever, really).
If any of this resonates, I recommend looking at resources that talk about Inattentive ADHD and ADHD characteristics in women. I found this resource by we are paying attention particularly helpful at the time of my diagnosis.
Meds can be helpful (but are just one potential tool)
Starting stimulant medication helped me feel more awake (quelle surprise!) and able to stay connected to what was in front of me. But it made me realise how often I had mistaken boredom for tiredness. I would retreat to rest when what my brain actually needed was MORE or BETTER stimulation. The shift in self-view that can come from realising this, (eg. you are not crap-the thing is actually boring!) especially after years of living with undiagnosed neurodivergent traits, can be seismic and it certainly was for me.
Now I’m more likely to ask different questions. Is this actually exhausting, or is it boring? Does this task need adjusting rather than avoiding? Can I swap this task with someone else, or delegate? This shift has changed how I relate to work, rest, myself and others. It can take a while to untangle but sometimes naming the difference between am I tired or is this boring? can start to challenge to effects of years of self-blame.
If you’re reading this thinking “well that’s great for you- I can’t get meds or they didn’t help me…” this isn’t about medication being the answer that solves everything because honestly, I WAS waiting for the “meds are like magic!” moment to happen to me because I’d heard it could make people feel and act completely differently but that never happened to me.
Meds are just one tool I use to help me manage my ADHD characteristics, but the number 1 tool that has made the difference to my life post diagnosis is: self awareness and the knowledge that something you’ve internalised as a personal failing is actually part of your make up (and isn’t bad or wrong). With the right support, circumstances and environments you can fly (or sleep if you want to).
And here are some other tools and strategies I use:
Educating myself about neurodivergence
Reflecting on my own idiosyncrasies and how to accept and work with them
Learning from other neurodivergent people
Using a consistent todo list system- mine is ios notes
Writing by hand on plain A4 paper when I need to
Using a paper filing system and processing notes regularly
Having regular coaching or mentoring sessions
Putting something in my calendar as soon as it is suggested
Finding my people and creating an understanding community
Using a colour coded calendar system for different types of activities
Finding and working with people who understand neurodivergence
Delegating tasks to others where useful and possible
Body doubling for specific types of tasks every week
Taking supplements that support my wellbeing
Having a sleep/wind down routine most of the time
Keeping myself accountable and visible
What would you add to this list?
