When Goals Go Rogue
Goals. Again?
Yes, because this is the point in the year where the goals you set at the start of January might already feel a bit… wayward. You might have even completely forgotten about them (samesies).
We often talk about setting goals, but much less about what it feels like to live alongside them over time, especially if you are neurodivergent.
I hear versions of this in coaching:
“I don’t think setting goals works for me.”
“I can set them, but I can’t stick to them.”
“I’m not sure I even believe them for myself when I write them down.”
Sometimes goals feel pointless because they feel wildly aspirational, or disconnected from who you are right now. Your brain can’t bridge the gap between current-you and future-you, so the goal never quite feels like it belongs to you. You might want the outcome but you don’t believe you can actually get there because well, you never have and you don’t know how- totally normal!
Other times, pinning a goal down too precisely kills your interest in it. The moment something becomes rigid, scheduled, and fully mapped out, a bit of the curiosity and discovery disappears. If part of your creative drive comes from not knowing exactly how something will unfold, then hyper-structured goals can feel like they remove the magic.
There isn’t one right way to hold goals- and honestly, one method will work one week and not the next- a big post it note might remind you… until it doesn’t and becomes ADHD wallpaper and basically invisible to your eyes.
Some people need big-picture direction only. Vision boards, themes, general trajectories.
Some people need full breakdowns, timelines, accountability structures, and checkpoints.
Most people need a combination which changes over time.
The bigger issue for a lot of neurodivergent people is not the initial act of goal setting. It’s remembering to remember your goals and what you need to do along the way. And because we forget, we get told or start believing that we can’t plan, can’t follow through, can’t build towards long-term outcomes.
But if you look at how people actually achieve goals, they rarely rely on motivation alone- they build structures around themselves. Reminders.; external accountability; scheduled reviews; support; environmental cues- no one makes it fully alone, trust me.
If you only know how getting to the end of something feels when it’s fuelled by adrenaline and last-minute pressure, then steady, gradual progress can feel flat and just downright weird. You can be moving forward and not recognise it as progress because there’s no big dramatic “finish line moment”- and so we abandon things midway through thinking we’ve failed again when we were on the right track.
So what can we do to make sure we don’t abandon our goals and notice the distance we have already travelled? One way is to understand why you might have dropped a goal or why they’ve started to feel uncomfortable or why you maybe didn’t pick it up and run with it in the first place- here’s some pointers:
WHY GOALS GO ROGUE
1. Goals start carrying emotional weight
For many neurodivergent people, stress doesn’t come from the goal itself, but from what the goal starts to represent.
Goals can carry:
Moral pressure
What this says about me as a person (if you do or don’t achieve it).
Time pressure
I am behind. Time is running out (you feel the weight of time wasted).
Visibility pressure
This goal is constantly in front of me (it’s stressing me out- not motivating me).
Expectation pressure
People are relying on me (I can’t let them down & the responsibility feels rough).
Identity pressure
If I don’t achieve this, who am I? (I thought I was this person- who am I if not?).
Goals can stop being practical and start becoming emotional containers and we don’t notice until maybe a knock on effect of something like avoidance becomes a problem elsewhere.
2. Shame and identity entanglement
Goals can become tied to self-worth. When that happens, avoidance is very understandable.
If you haven’t tracked small progress steps, it is also very easy to forget what you have already done and assume you are failing.
3. Not being able to use help (even when you want it)
Sometimes we get access to the help we wanted… and then can’t engage with it.
Not because we don’t want it and not because it’s bad help.
Sometimes help arrives before we understand what is actually wrong or what questions to ask.
Sometimes we are overwhelmed and even helpful input feels like another demand.
Sometimes life has shifted and we logically know we need to do things differently, but emotionally and practically we are still catching up.
Masking and people-pleasing can also override our real needs in the moment.
Independence and distrust of hierarchy/authority can also show up as resistance:
“Don’t tell me what to do.”
“Don’t tell me what’s realistic.”
“This makes it feel boring, you’re not helping me.”
This is often about autonomy and safety, not about not wanting the goal.
4. Goals become background noise (see: ADHD Wallpaper)
Anything static can disappear into the background for ADHD brains. Vision boards and trackers can stop working simply because they become invisible.
5. Time pressure and outdated goals
Sometimes the pressure is about time, not motivation- sometimes the goal belongs to a past version of you or even someone else.
6. Sometimes there is grief
Some goals represent lost time, lost capacity, or lost versions of yourself.
In those cases, the work is not motivation. It is processing loss. Some.times an abandoned goal means you need a different approach and sometimes it means you don’t need it anymore
WHAT TO DO WHEN GOALS GO ROGUE
Reduce emotional load
If a goal makes you feel shame, guilt, or shutdown, adjust how it is held.
You might:
Remove it from daily visibility
Change how you track it
Remind yourself what progress you have already made
Making a decision reduces pressure, even if the decision is “not right now”.
Freeze your streak
Temporarily remove the goal
Set a review date
Use reminders so you don’t worry about forgetting.
Just for now
Change the importance from an outcome to an improved relationship or behaviour
Instead of:
”Finish the album”
Try:
Being a tiny bit creative most daysStaying in a relationship with making music
Keep returning to the work when I can
Separate identity From output
Remember: you are still creative even if you are not creating today.
Not reaching a goal yet does not define your worth or potential- do you need evidence? can you listen or look at previous work?
Change how goals are visible
Rotate them- try showing one at a time and if the big goal feels out of reach and demotivating just focus on the next step instead of the whole outcome. Then the next step…
Replace deadlines with review points
“Check in on this in March” feels very different to “Finish by March”. You might think this approach means you are letting yourself off and not being hardline enough to make it stick- but it’s often these hard lines we draw for ourselves that cause us to think we’ve failed because we can’t meet the high expectations we have for ourselves and then we think well that’s that then- I shouldn’t have bothered and I won’t ever again. “Check in with goal” allows space for life to happen and nuance.
Ask kinder and more curious reflection questions
Instead of:
Why can’t I stick to anything?
Try:
What did this goal mean to me?
THE REAL POINT OF GOALS
Goals are not contracts, they are signals about what matters to you and who you are or want to be. They can be direction markers; they can be experimental and they can also be benched or parked in favour of other priorities. Sometimes they go rogue… but that’s just information.
And this is a last important point about black and white thinking and how it can creep in- just because you temporarily forgot about your goal doesn’t mean it isn’t important to you or that you shouldn’t be still trying- you can get back on that goal horse any time. I call him Goalie!
So have you dropped any goals recently? Do you need or want to pick them up again? What might help you keep on track with your goals now?
